North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
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“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Hello Twits.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
😎 🍻
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes