hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
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some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”