@DryDickRando: Hello sir. Your toddler called me a 'stinky poopyhead' at the store. I've spent 6 days formulating a comeback, and I'd like to own him now.
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@causticbob: I've written a book called, 'How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money'. It's available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
@tarashoe: STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book] STRANGER: a stunning genius
@murrman5: [wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house] "stop crying for a second...what do you mean you lost me?"