Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
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11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times