“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
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So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break