hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
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Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
#parenting
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?