@ch000ch: hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can't talk cause we both said "hope we don't die haha" at the same time and i jinxed him
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@XplodingUnicorn: Old high school classmate: Really? You're about to have your 4th child? Me: Are you surprised I like kids? Him: I'm surprised you had sex.
@Ham_Tornado: New children's book I'm working on: "Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak".
@skylerhanrath: If you want a medical degree, they're literally hanging on doctor's walls. Grab one.
@Home_Halfway: Keep your coworkers on their feet by beginning your next e-mail with "If you're reading this, I'm already dead."