hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
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Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
fair
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…