Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
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Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17