“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
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Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
is this a threat
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven