“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
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If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Brb my Sims are getting married
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*