*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
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Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School