“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
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[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I don’t know what to do
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I need better friends
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater