Meow
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What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.