You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
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Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
rapatouille
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?