It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
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I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out