If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
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I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Bed should get ready for ME
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.