*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
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My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*