Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
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I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
How to properly lift a body
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.