“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
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Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.