“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
You Might Also Like
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Canadian owl: Eh?
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Called it
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
True
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.