Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
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Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.