[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
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Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
When libraries troll their patrons.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!