My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
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me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.