It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
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SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
BRO LMFAO
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day