“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
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Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.