Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
You Might Also Like
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
i really liked this one
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.