“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
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Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.