“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
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Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.