help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
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Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
where the womens at?
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5