help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
You Might Also Like
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being