Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
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*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.