Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
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SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
#Caturday
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Body by Oreos
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?