help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
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There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.