@VodkaTiem: Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I'm sobering up.
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@alispagnola: There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I'm pretty sure it's to charge our phones.
@Carmel_Coleman: Had a girl say "I want you to treat me like a virgin" So I sacrificed her to a tiki god and threw her in a volcano.
@shkeeber: Mom: Where're you going? Me: To dinner with my friends! Mom: Your friends? Me: I'm going to use McDonalds' free Wifi to get on twitter...
@IvoryGazelle: Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend's kitchen on the first try, and I've been riding that high ever since