Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
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WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*