Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
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feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
wtf is an acronym
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough