Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
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I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon