A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
You Might Also Like
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
constantly working on myself.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.