Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
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Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.