@kelkulus: Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@sara_ashlynn: My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She's in the shower & I'm wondering when she realizes it's Sunday. This is beautiful.
@EricDumbTweets: I don't trust people who say "I married my best friend" because I don't think dogs can truly consent to marriage.
@Amburglar_: "Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you." "Is the male lead obsessed with me?" "Yes." "I'll do it."
@TheAlexP: Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.