@kelkulus: Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
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@murrman5: [on way to play charades with gf's family] I don't wanna go why I don't wanna look silly you won't *first thing I have to act out is pasta*
@_davidlucas_: Me: How are you? Co-worker: *Gives 20 minute dissertation on their gastro infection*
@KyleMcDowell86: I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.