Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
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My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
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Expectations vs. Reality
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?