Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
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5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
And now we wait
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.