Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
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Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.