Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
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Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
the icebreaker
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂