@CelebrityChez: Helpful tip: If you throw a baby at a tiger, I only recommend throwing a baby that you don't like.
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@internetluke: TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
@upsidedowntrash: WIFE: It's either me or th- ME: He has name WIFE: OR the goose. ME: Say it. WIFE:… ME: Say his name. WIFE:… ME: Why won't you love Tom Honks
@AtticusFinch79: *taking training wheels off my old bike* Mom: You're not ready for this. Me: I'm 37, Mom. I've got this. *starts pedaling; hits a tree*