@CelebrityChez: Helpful tip: If you throw a baby at a tiger, I only recommend throwing a baby that you don't like.
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@FuckabillyRex: *skateboarding at 16 I don't care about girls, I'm skating. *skateboarding at 43 I should have had more sex when I was 16.
@Marlebean: Me, bewildered: "What is this odd thingy?" H: It's called a wine stopper. Me, whisper cries: "Why would anyone want to stop the wine?"
@realHamOnWry: I slept through my girlfriend's alarm this morning and hit the ground running after her husband threw me out the window.