Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
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Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
this will hang in the louvre one day
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start