“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
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I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Pretty much! 😂👀
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?