I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
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I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
adding to the discourse
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people