Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
You Might Also Like
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.