I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
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Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home