*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
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If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
what kind of cook setting is this??
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.