[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
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I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
don’t be scared
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break