[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY